Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sara Barney: Difficult Questions

I have been asking myself these so called “difficult” questions during the past seven weeks.  Where do I want to take my career? What is my artistic voice saying?  Where is my niche in the dance world? Is it out there? How do I find it? What am I looking for? These questions are not always enjoyable and exciting to face. I believe that we typically make up diversions to avoid them often.  Though I may know that these questions are necessary to face in life, no matter what career path I choose, they are still most dreaded.  I have noticed that they make you take a deeper look into yourself, and you start to question personal subjects.

I am discovering a lot about myself and am looking more closely at the different options I have for the future. I greatly appreciate this opportunity to comfortably explore my options during the Fellowship. I have been given time and space to search with support. When given the opportunity to take a look at my options and be able to dip into each one for a taste, I sometimes can freak out. I have given consideration that having a schedule to follow with someone checking up on you, making sure that you are doing what you should, is familiar and somewhat comforting, now that I look back on it.  It can be overwhelming to see that you are really in control of your future.  I am so fortunate to have this umbrella of LCI supporting me through these tough but much needed adventures.

At this point, in the Fellowship, I sometimes worry about how I may not today have everything figured out in my career. These concerns have always produced a bit too much anxiety for my liking. Being prepared and thinking of the future is all very necessary, but I can recognize now how it can be over-excessive and slightly detrimental to current pressing matters.  Stressing about things that cannot be taken care of today isn't worth the time and energy; I would know, I have come across situations of this kind a bit too often.  All I can do sometimes is laugh at the tremendous amount of pressure that I and my fellow Kenan Fellows put on ourselves when speaking about our future plans.

Self-structured time is the culprit of all my current personal reflections.  I have discovered that time can be overwhelming, especially when you are in control of scheduling it for yourself.  I have put a censorship on my time in the past, which has come to light during the last seven weeks of my life.  Self-structured time allows for me to take advantage of time in a way that I haven't been able to in the past. I can appreciate creative and personal needs much more now.  I have belittled discovery time in the past and I feel as if I have freed myself from those thoughts during the Fellowship. I have to admit, it has been difficult making decisions on how to make use of my time.  I, very quickly, make judgment on what I should be doing and question others whether they find my decisions most beneficial.  I have found that the most interesting part of these struggles with time is that if I have an honest reason for doing something, in return, it will be most beneficial for me, and I need to accept this notion.

In being given the time to research and fully explore my possibilities, I am excited to see where these different routes can take me.  I feel much more equipped to take these next steps in my life and career, now having been allotted this time.  I can’t say today that I know where I am going next, but I know that I am becoming more prepared for it than I have ever been before.  This Fellowship has given me the chance to truly transition into being an adult.  Allowing me to figure out how to run my life with the support of the Fellowship is comforting and is allowing me to take some risks that I may not have jumped right into previously.  I am a little afraid of what is to come, but I am happy that I have this new family to hold my hand through it all.

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